Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad,
Other things just make you swear and curse...
When you're chewing on life's gristle,
Don't grumble, give a whistle,
And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And.... always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the bright side of life...

If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten,
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing,
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps,
Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing...

And... always look on the bright side of life...
Come on, always look on the bright side of life...

For life is quite absurd,
And death's the final word,
You must always face the curtain with a bow,
Forget about your sin,
Give the audience a grin,
Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow...

So always look on the bright side of death...
Just before you draw your terminal breath...

Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it,
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true,
You'll see it's all a show,
Keep 'em laughing as you go,
Just remember that the last laugh is on you...

And... always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life...
Come on guys, cheer up,
Always look on the bright side of life...

Worse things happen at sea, you know,
Always look on the bright side of life...
I mean, what have you got to lose?
You know, you come from nothing,
You're going back to nothing,
What have you lost? Nothing!

© Ganga Publishing BV
All Rights Reserved

Sit on my face and tell me that you love me,
I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too.
I love to hear you o- ra- lise
When I'm between your thighs,
You blow me awaaay.

Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you,
I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly,
Life can be fine if we both sixty nine,
If we sit on our faces in all sorts of places
And play till we're blown away.

© EMI Music Publishing
All Rights Reserved

I'm a lumberjack
And I'm okay,
I sleep all night
And I work all day.

He's a lumberjack
And he's okay,
He sleeps all night
And he works all day.

I cut down trees,
I eat my lunch,
I go to the lavatory,
On Wednesdays I go shopping,
And have buttered scones for tea.

He cuts down trees,
He eats his lunch,
He goes to the lavatory,
On Wednesdays he goes shopping,
And has buttered scones for tea.

I cut down trees,
I skip and jump,
I like to press wild flowers,
I put on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars.

He cuts down trees,
He skips and jumps,
He likes to press wild flowers,
He puts on women's clothing,
And hangs around in bars.

I cut down trees,
I wear high heels,
Suspendies and a bra,
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear pappa.

He cuts down trees,
He wears high heels?
Suspendies... and a bra?

...He's a lumberjack
And he's OKAY
He sleeps all night
And He works all day.

© Kay Gee Bee Music Ltd.
All Rights Reserved

Good evening Ladies and Gentleman.
Here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Carribean.

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis,
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy,
It's divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger,
To the world's biggest prick.

So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas,
Hooray for your one- eyed trouser snake,
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
Your Percy or your cock
You can wrap it up in ribbons,
You can slip it in your sock,
But don't take it out in public,
Or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won't come back.

© Kay Gee Bee Music Ltd.
All Rights Reserved

The most interesting thing about King Charles I is that he was 5' 6" tall at the start of his reign, but only 4' 8" tall at the end of it...
Because of...

Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England
PURITAN
Born in 1599 and died in 1658
SEPTEMBER
Was at first
ONLY
MP for Huntingdon
BUT THEN
He led the Ironside Cavalry at
Marston Moor in 1644 and won
Then he founded the new model army
And praise be, beat the Cavaliers at Naisby
And the King fled up North, like a bat to the Scots

But under the terms of John Pimm's solomn league and covenant, the Scots handed King Charles I over to...

Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England
AND HIS WARTS
Born in 1599 and died in 1658
SEPTEMBER
But alas
OY VAY!
Disagreement then broke out
BETWEEN
The Presbyterian Parliament
and the Military who meant
To have an independent bent.
And so...

The 2nd Civil War broke out
And the Roundhead ranks
Faced the Cavaliers at
Preston naks
And the King lost again, silly thing
STUPID GIT

And Cromwell sent Colonel Pride to purge the House Of Commons of the Presbyterian Royalists, leaving behind only the rump Parliament...

Which appointed a High Court at Westminster Hall
To indict Charles I for... tyranny
OOOHHH!
Charles was sentenced to death
Even though he refused to accept
That the court had... jurisdiction
SAY GOODBYE TO HIS HEAD.

Poor King Charles laid his head on the block
JANUARY 1649
Down came the axe, and...

In the silence that followed, the only soind that could be heard was a solitary giggle, from...

Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England
OLÈ
Born in 1599 and died in 1658
SEPTEMBER
Then he smashed
IRELAND
Set up the Commonwealth
AND MORE
He crushed the Scots at Worcester
And beat the Dutch at sea
In 1653 and then
He dissolved the rump Parliament
And with instrument of
Government
Under which Oliver was Protector
at last
The end.

© Kay Gee Bee Music Ltd.
All Rights Reserved

I've got,
Ninety thousand pounds in my pyjamas,
I've got forty thousand French francs in my fridge,

I've got lost of lovely lire,
Now the Deutschmark's getting dearer,
And my dollar bills would buy the Brooklyn Bridge.

There is nothing quite as wonderful as money,
There is nothing quite as beautiful as cash,
Some people say it's folly,
But I'd rather have the lolly,
With money you can ma- ake a splash.

There is nothing quite wonderful as money,
There is nothing like a newly minted pound,
Everyone must hanker
For the butchness of a banker,
It's accountancy that makes the world go round.

You can keep your Marxist ways
For it's only just a phase
For it's money makes the world go round.

© Kay Gee Bee Music Ltd.
All Rights Reserved

It's funny to charter an accountant
And sail the wide accountan- cy,
To find, explore the funds offshore
And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy.

It can be manly in insurance:
We'll up your premium semiannually
It's all tax- deductible,
We're fairly incorruptible
We're sailing on the wide accountan- cy!

© Kay Gee Bee Music Ltd.
All Rights Reserved

Finland, Finland, Finland.
The country where I want to be,
Pony trekking or camping,
Or just watching TV.
Finland, Finland, Finland,
It's the country for me.

You're so near to Russia,
So far from Japan.
Quite a long way from Cairo,
Lots of miles from Vietnam.

Finland, Finland, Finland.
The country where I want to be,
Eating breakfast or dinner,
Or snack lunch in the hall.
Finland, Finland, Finland,
Finland has it all.

You're so sadly neglected,
And often ignored,
A poor second to Belgium,
When going abroad.

Finland, Finland, Finland.
The country where I quite want to be,
Your mountains so lofty,
Your treetops so tall.
Finland, Finland, Finland,
Finland has it all.

Finland has it all...

© Kay Gee Bee Music Ltd.
All Rights Reserved

Inflammation of the foreskin
Reminds me of your smile.
I've had ballanital chancroids
For quite a little while,
I gave my heart to NSU
That lovely night in June.
I ache for you, my darling,
And I hope you get well soon.

My penile warts, your herpes,
My syphilitic sores,
Your moenelial infection,
How I miss you more and more,
Your dhobi's itch, my scrumpox,
Our lovely gonorrhoea,
At least we both were lying
When we said that we were clear.

Our syphilitic kisses
Sealed the secret of our tryst,
You gave me scrotal pustules
With a quick flick of your wrist,
Your trichovaginitis
Sent shivers down my spine,
I got snail tracks in my anus
When your spirochaetes met mine.

My clapped- out genitalia
Is not so bad for me,
As the complete and utter failure
Every time I try to pee,
My doctor says my buboes
Are the worst he's ever seen,
My scrotum's painted orange
And my balls are turning green.

My heart is very tender
Though my parts are awful raw,
You might have been infected
But you never were a bore,
I'm dying of your love, my love,
I'm your spirochaetal clown,
I've left my body to science
But I'm afraid they've turned it down.

Gonococcal urethritis, streptococcal balinitis,
Meningo myelitis, diplococcal cephalitis,
Epididymitis, interstitial keratitis,
Syphilitic choroiditis and anterior uveitis.

© Kay Gee Bee Music Ltd.
All Rights Reserved

I'm so worried about what's happening today,
In the Middle East you know,
And I'm so worried about the
baggage retrieval system they've got at Heathrow.

I'm so worried about the fashions today,
I don't think they're good for your feet,
And I'm so worried about the shows on TV
that sometimes they want to repeat

I'm so worried about what's happening today you know,
And I'm so worried about the
baggage retrieval system they've got at Heathrow.

I'm so worried about my hair falling out,
And the state of the world today,
And I'm so worried about being
so full of doubt about everything anyway.

I'm so worried about modern technology,
I'm so worried about all things that they dump in the sea,
I'm so worried about it, worried about it,
worried, worried, worried...

I'm so worried about everything that can go wrong,
I'm so worried about whether people like this song,
I'm so worried about this very next verse,
it isn't the best that I've got.
And I'm so worried about whether
I should go on or whether
I shouldn't just stop.

I'm so worried about whether
I ought to have stopped,
And I'm so worried because it's the
sort of thing I ought to know
And I'm so worried about the
baggage retrieval system they've got at Heathrow.

I'm so worried about whether
I should have stopped then,
I'm so worried that I'm driving
everyone round the bend,
I'm so worried about the
baggage retrieval system they've got at Heathrow.

© Kay Gee Bee Music Ltd.
All Rights Reserved

There are Jews in the world,
There are Buddists,
There are Hindus and Mormons and then,
There are those that follow Mohammad,
But I've never been one of them...

I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics,
Is they'll take you as soon as you're warm...

You don't have to be a six- footer,
You don't have to have a great brain,
You don't have to have any clothes on
You're a Catholic the moment Dad came...
Because...

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Let the heathen spill theirs,
On the dusty ground,
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found.

Every sperm is wanted,
Every sperm is good,
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

Hindu, Taoist, Morman,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.

Every sperm is useful,
Every sperm is fine,
God needs everybody's,
Mine!
And mine!
And mine!

Let the pagan spill theirs,
O'er mountain, hill and plain,
God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

© Kay Gee Bee Music Ltd.
All Rights Reserved

Never be rude to an Arab,
An Israeli, or Sauid, or Jew,
Never be rude to an Irishman,
Na matter what you do.

Never poke fun at a Nigger,
A Spik, or a Wop, or a Kraut,
End never put down...

© Kay Gee Bee Music Ltd.
All Rights Reserved

The world today seems absolutely crackers,
With nuclear bombs to blow us all sky high,
There are fools and idiots sitting on the trigger,
It's depressing, and it's senseless, and that's why...

I like Chinese,
I like Chinese,
They only come up to your knees,
Yet they're always friendly
And they're ready to please.

I like Chinese,
I like Chinese,
There's nine hundred million of them
In the world today,
You'd better learn to like them,
That's what I say.

I like Chinese,
I like Chinese,
They come from a long way overseas,
But they're cute and they're cuddly
And they're ready to please.

I like chinese food,
The waiters never are rude,
Think of the many things they've done to impress,
There's Maoism, Taoism, I Ching and chess.

So I like Chinese,
I like Chinese,
I like their tiny little trees,
Their Zen, their ping- pong, their yin and yang- ese.

I like Chinese thought,
The wisdom that Confucious taught,
If Darwin is anything to shout about,
The Chinese will survive us all without any doubt.

So I like Chinese,
I like Chinese,
They only come up to your knees,
Yet they're wise and they're witty
And they're ready to please.

I like Chinese,
I like Chinese,
Their food is guaranteed to please,
A fourteen, a seven, a nine and lychees.

© Kay Gee Bee Music Ltd.
All Rights Reserved

Take it away, Eric the orchestra leader...
A-one, two, a-one two three four

Half a bee, philosophically,
Must ipso facto half not be.
But half the bee, has got to be,
Vis-a-vis its entity. D'you see?
But can a bee be said to be,
Or not to be an entire bee,
When half the bee is not a bee,
Due to some ancient injury?

La di di, one two three,
Eric the half a bee.
A B C D E F G,
Eric the half a bee.

Is this wretched demi- bee,
Half asleep upon my knee,
Some freak from a menagerie?
No! It's Eric the half a bee.
Fiddle di dum,
Fiddle di dee,
Eric the half a bee.
Ho ho ho, tee hee hee,
Eric the half a bee.

I love this hive employ- ee- ee,
Bisected accidentally,
One summer afternoon by me,
I love him carnally.
He loves him carnally
Semi- carnally.
The end.

Cyril Connolly?
No, semi-carnally.
Oh

© Kay Gee Bee Music Ltd.
All Rights Reserved

Brian... the babe they called Brian,
He grew... grew, grew and grew,
Grew up to be,
Grew up to be,
A boy called Brian,
A boy called Brian.

He had arms and legs and hands and feet
This boy whose name was Brian,
And he grew... grew, grew and grew,
Grew up to be,
Yes he grew up to be,
A teenager called Brian,
A teenager called Brian.

And his face became spotty
Yes his face became spotty,
And his voice dropped down low,
And things started to grow,
On young Brian and show,
He was certainly no,
No girl named Brian,
Not a girl named Brian.

And he started to shave,
And have one off the wrist,
And want to see girls,
And go out and get pissed
A man called Brian,
This man called Brian,
The man they called Brian,
This man called Brian.

© Ganga Publishing BV
All Rights Reserved

Immanuel Kant was a real piss ant
Who was very rarely stable,
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table,
David Hume could out consume
Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.

There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist,
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed...

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill,
Plato, they say, could stick it away,
Half a crate of whisky every day,
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart,
"I drink, therefore I am"...

Yes Socrates, himself, is particularly missed...
A lovely little thinker,
But a bugger when he's pissed.

© Kay Gee Bee Music Ltd.
All Rights Reserved

Why are we here, what's life all about?
Is God really real, or is there some doubt?
Well tonight, we're going to sort it all out
For tonight it's the Meaning of Life.

What's the point of all this hoax?
Is it the chicken and the egg time,
Are we just yolks?
Or perhaps we're just one of God's little jokes,
Well, ça c'est the Meaning of Life.

Is life just a game where we make up the rules,
While we're searching for something to say,
Or are we just simply spiralling coils
Of self- replicating DNA?

In this life, what is our fate?
Is there Heaven and Hell? Do we reincarnate?
Is mankind evolving or is it too late?
Well, tonight here's the Meaning of Life.

For millions this life is a sad vale of tears,
Sitting round with rien, nothing to say,
While scientists say we're just spiralling coils
Of self- replicating DNA.

So just why, why are we here?
And just what, what, what, what do we fear?
Well çe soir, for a change, it will all be made clear,
For this is the Meaning of Life
- c'est la sens de la vie -
This is the Meaning of Life.

© Kay Gee Bee Music Ltd.
All Rights Reserved

We're Knights of the Round Table,
We dance when e'er we're able,
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impeccable.

We dine well here in Camelot,
We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot.

We're Knights of the Round Table,
Our show are formidable,
But many times, we're given rhymes
That are quite unsingable.

We're opera mad in Camelot,
We sing from the diaphragm a l... o... o... o... t.

In war we're tough and able,
Quite indefatigable,
Between our quests we sequin vests
And impersonate Clark Gable.

It's a busy life in Camelot,
I have to push the pram a lot.

© United Artists Music Ltd.
All Rights Reserved

All things dull and ugly,
All creatures short and squat,
All things rude and nasty,
The Lord God made the lot.

Each little snake that poisons,
Each little wasp that stings,
He made their brutish venom,
He made their horrid wings.

All things sick and cancerous,
All evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous,
The Lord God made them all.

Each nasty little hornet,
Each beastly little squid,
Who made the spikey urchin?
Who made the sharks? He did.

All things scabbed and ulcerous,
All pox both great and small,
Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
The Lord God made them all.

Amen

© Kay Gee Bee Music Ltd.
All Rights Reserved

Right ho, darling. Yeh, be home about 8.30. No, no
I'll go on a bike.

Beethoven's gone, but his music lives on,
And Mozart don't go shoppin' no more,
You'll never meet Liszt or Brahms again,
And Elgar doesn't answer the door.

Schubert and Chopin used to chuckle and laugh,
Whilst composing a long symphony,
But one hundred and fifty years later,
There's very little of them left to see.

They're decomposing composers,
There's nothing much anyone can do,
You can still hear Beethoven,
But Beethoven cannot hear you.

Handel and Haydn and Rachmaninov,
Enjoyed a nice drink with their meal,
But nowadays no- one will serve them,
And their gravy is left to congeal.

Verdi and Wagner delighted the crowds,
With their highly original sound,
The pianos they played are still working,
But they're both six feet underground.

They're decomposing composers,
There's less of them every year,
You can say what you like to Debussy,
But there's not much of him left to hear.

Claude Achille Debussy, died 1918.
Christophe Willibald Gluck, died 1787.
Carl Maria von Weber, not at all well 1825,
Died 1826.
Giacomo Meyerbeer, still alive 1863,
Not still alive 1864.
Modest Mussorgsky, 1880 going to parties,
No fun anymore 1881.
Johan Nepomuck Hummel, chatting away nineteen
To the dozen with his mates down the pub every evening 1836,
1837 nothing.

© Kay Gee Bee Music Ltd.
All Rights Reserved

Henry Kissinger,
How I'm missing yer,
You're the doctor of my dreams.
With your crinkly hair,
And your glassy stare,
And your Machiavellian schemes
I know they say that you are very vain
And short and fat and pushy
But at leats you're not insane...

Henry Kissinger,
How I'm missing yer,
And wishing you were here.

Henry Kissenger,
How I'm missing yer,
You're so chubby and so neat.
With your funny clothes,
And your squishy nose,
You're like a German parakeet.
All right so people say that you don't care,
But you've got nicer legs than Hitler,
And bigger tits than Cher...

Henry Kissenger,
How I'm missing yer,
And wishing you were here.

© Kay Gee Bee Music Ltd.
All Rights Reserved

And now Mr Terry Filliam will sing for you 'I've got two legs'

I've got two legs from my hips to the ground,
And when I move them they walk around,
And when I lift them they the stairs,
And when I shave them they ain't got hairs.
I've got two...

© Kay Gee Bee Music Ltd.
All Rights Reserved

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. It's truly a real
honourable experience to be here this evening. A very
wonderful and warm and emotional moment for all of us.
And I'd like to sing a song for all of you.

It's Christmas in Heaven,
All the children sing,
It's Christmas in Heaven,
Hark hark those church bells ring.
It's Christmas in Heaven,
The snow falls from the sky...
But it's nice and warm and everyone
Looks smart and wears a tie.

It's Christmas in Heaven,
There's great films on TV,
"The Sound of Music" twice an hour
And "Jaws I", "II", and "III".
There's gifts for all the family,
There's toiletries and trains,
There's Sony Walkman headphone sets
And the latest video games!

It's Christmas
It's Christmas in Heaven,
Hip hip hip hip hip hooray,
Every single day,
Is Christmas day.

© Kay Gee Bee Music Ltd.
All Rights Reserved

Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown,
And things seem hard or tough,
And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft,
And you feel that you've had quite enough...

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving,
And revolving at nine thousand miles an hour,
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see,
Are moving at a million miles a day,
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the Galaxy we call the Milky Way.

Our Galaxy itself contains 100 billion stars
It's 100,000 light- years side to side,
It bulges in the middle, 16,000 light years thick
But out by us it's just 3,000 light years wide
We're 30,000 light years from galactic central point,
We go round every 200 million years
And our Galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding Universe.

The Universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light you know,
12 million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely is your birth
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space
Because there's bugger all down here on Earth.

© Kay Gee Bee Music Ltd.
All Rights Reserved

Lovely Spam, Wonderful Spa- a- m,
Lovely Spam, Wonderful S Spam,
Spa- a- a- a- a- a- a- am,
Spa- a- a- a- a- a- a- am,
SPA- A- A- A- A- A- A- AM,
SPA- A- A- A- A- A- A- AM,
LOVELY SPAM,
LOVELY SPAM,
LOVELY SPAM,
LOVELY SPAM,
LOVELY SPA- A- A- A- AM...
SPA- AM,
SPA- AM,
SPA- AM,
SPA- A- A- AM!

© Kay Gee Bee Music Ltd.
All Rights Reserved